Wilting flower, your peddles fall off.
bare you stand as a stem.
grow into another flower? i don’t know if i can.
sometimes its better to pull out the roots
throw the dead flower to the side
not all vases need flowers.
Maybe i’m getting a second wind?
Grabbing my things and ignoring my home; i’m struggling with trying to attain this minimum. Certain aspects of my daily ritual are crumbling in my hands, and yet i still maintain these extracuricullar expenses. As if money is chump change, i pay my way through everything i need to do. Interactions with strangers at almost all hours of the day, i need a drink to keep myself interested in some very uninteresting things.
Last night a man was so terribly rude to me, so rude that i wanted to ignore him, but he persisted he continued to feel like he can talk about me as if i’m not there. I responded to his questions but he treated me like an outsider, like i’m new to this block and don’t know anything. Used to it, i am, unfortuantely but i don’t have the stamina to answer all of his belitting interrigation. Who are you? I don’t even know you, Do any of these people know you? Asking me this as i scoot into a table of all my friends. my heads saying get off my back, but my face smiles and i keep calm. I come across a lot of people who expect you to accomidate them. They want you to attend to their needs, give them the information they need to accept you. But really, i’m not trying to be accepted by everyone. I don’t care about everyone really, i’m reaching out to new people because i need to develop myself and relationships are what help you grow. For several years i’ve been like a light switch so very on and open to relationships and people, then so very incredibly off and unattainable for relationships. I need to stop that inconsistancy and just reach out to the right people, and not be boggled down by wasteful heavy people who just want you to sit and wallow with them. I ain’t wallowing, i fortunately don’t have the ability to wallow, sit and be upset. I can’t sit and process things because in that time spent sitting - nineteen people just got ahead of me, and now i have more people to push through. you see, you have to always keep going, keep meeting, keep greeting, experience new things, shock and awe, hug and greet, shake hands making eye contact, leave politely and open another door. everyday from the closing of eyelids to the opening light of a new day, we play this game. Competition to see whoes the best? I’m not a competitive girl but i don’t like to lose, and i definately don’t like people trying to put me in any place. I’m an ambitious girl, i got my facts and figures, i’ll press up on you, but i might bump you off me too.
Its like the things i see and touch are the same, but abstractly my whole entire world and life has vanished on me. I don’t see what is infront of me and i am so utterly terrified that words cannot be placed together. My eyes are wide and shock is running though me every moment my addrenniline runs out and reality seeps in. Today is one i cannot digest and cannot handle all the stresses and dynamic changes that are now overtaking my existance and day to day rituals that i have no more of. I have to act fast, i have to grow up and not be naive and stuck behind. I have to as quick as possible grab speed, and move as strongly as i can, right or wrong. I cannot stop here, i cannot be found anywhere near here - this is not what i imagined. I forget how strong the world can be, and how terrifiying life can be, and how we are involved and intertwined innosently. I forget that comfort is distruction, and funny enough just the other day a friend told me to warm up and allow myself to feel emotions. But have you heard about all the things that have happened today by 6:55pm? my whole entire world, is gone except for us huddled together grabbing arms, panicing but staying calm and making talk and discussions. I grab for those close to me, and have to pull away from everything that does not help or smooth these things out. Even though i am not always the most religious person, i turn to praying. This is out of my hands and only faith can guide and i pray resolve all the harm and damange that has taken place, i wish to repent and grow a spine that shows me i am aware, because these past few weeks, few months, past year i have not owned up my decisions. And here i am, in the mess that i made, fruit flies flying by my head, i did this, i chose this. I need to act strongly and fast. There is not a moment to wait, except for the pause of my handsome baby brother graduating. There is a star admist all the rubble and absolute fear. I stare to it, clinging my eyes to its warmth and light, oh i pray and i thank. I am blessed, please let me be blessed.
R.I.P Michael Jackson. i cannot forget you, nor today.
i guess i’m just sensitive.
back to writing letters your eyes will never see.
I want to climb
grab my rucksack, boots
rope around waist, i’m ready!
why grab a map when there are stars in the sky
impulsive! sweat drips from little eye brows
breathing heavy, my feet keep moving
one in front of the other.
don’t stop! no matter what obstacles,
bridges blocking? find a rope - you can swing
can’t you? don’t be caught stalling, looking
eyes only serve functions of navigating
sights look dulling? start to use hands
touching objects around you, darkness
is not, a scary thing. embrace the blanket
parachuting over you. it’ll catch you in
zero gravity times. if your hands are hurting
from snake bites, or stressful situations
finding its got you down? hands to your ears
echoes, they’ll knock you down
muffled sounds block out imagination
or does the monster get bigger the quieter
his footsteps progress? will someone
tap you, grab you from behind?
shove your wilting body into a bag-
hurling you over shoulder, impossibly trapped
with a smell of straw overwhelming.
don’t stop breathing! In fact -
never talk about discouraging things!
better to think positively, step into those
devilish positions, wiggle in between a rock
and a hard place. Figure out the best position
grow those muscles needed to hold your body
just like that. that’s the trick!
stronger you are, dependent not on your senses
motioning higher and higher
balance wading, muscles all on fire
swaying with the wind or heavy breathing
clutching the solid dirty rocks with your palms
don’t let your red stain, keep clean carrying
tissues, or pillows. my bed sheets i prefer
to the top you’ll arrive, spinning immensely
spin spin little miss, until you’re the only one
you miss.
to the side i’m thrown.
i’m just trying to grow.
never deserved it in the first place.
i want to get off. i wait until i am loose
until it is my time to be next.
awaiting and begging for a truth,
but is it happiness awaiting?
i can’t know until its done.
words on paper i scribble out
ripping the words off the sheet
chewing the pages.
oh i’ll eat my words.
is flawless and i love her. HAPPY 21!
What a strange collaboration of days. How fondly i’ve been moving through things like high starks of weeds i walk through parting the one blocking my view. I have this sense of heighted focus and determination. My conversations have not been lacking and i’m adjusting my manors of being. I’m convinced that in a few months time, y’all won’t notice me. I always say that - and i guess i still have random incidents where i bump into someone i knew a long time ago. Seeing their distance face right in my immediate space is something truely fascinating. We all motion through life and our faces and figures get shifted and carved through time, progression and experience. I have this faith in life and timelines; i believe that we are supposed to let go of our fears and inability to comprehend the vast magnitude of the things we’re to be doing - and absolutely let go of the rope. Put forth that excitement of lunging into the unknown and believe in it, believe in yourself and apprecaite wherever the subcouncious guides you to. Whereever you lift your head from the grass, some strands still sticking on your cheek, lifiting your head, brushing your hair out. Where is this place? oh i’m dying to find out.
dreams show me volunerability i’m hiding inside of me.
people climbing through my windows, attacking me as i sleep.
try to stay warm, keep a brave face.
I have new roommates now. I still don’t really talk to them, i’m not as vast in my apartment as i thought i would since its so big, but i don’t like to talk to people sometimes and if they’re there, its rude if i don’t. so instead i go into my room, stay in there, water my plant, open my windows, blast music and do whatever it is i do. Then leave whenever to go wherever and just not talk to anyone. when i was leaving my apartment last night there were these two little girls playing on the stairs with their toys and they asked me if i lived there now, and if i was leaving. i said yes i was leaving and yes i live there. We found we’re neighbors. they’re cute, i hope for no trouble. I had a bizzare Gym senerio yesterday, too embarassing to put online for the public, but let me cue you in that all the employees know me at this gym and one pulled me aside and was like i don’t know how to tell you this. I left with the intention of coming back, but just never went back i was too embarassed. I ate sushi outside yesterday until it started raining on me, i didn’t bother to move. It didn’t bother me very much, rain clears the streets, rain gets people away and sometimes its nice, to not have a hundred people around all the time. I’ve been listening to my brown sugar slow r&b jams. The ones my friends make fun of me for listening to, like tyrese, usher, the dream, taio cruz, along dem lines. I just like a little sweet something, a little slow motion, a little something - let my tired head spin away. I guess rock seems a little insensitive and pop is too peppy. I want a concrete structure i can sit on, spray some grafitti on and watch the sunset. I feel beside myself, a not very wise, self. A tired, quiet, and nervous self. Keeping eyes open, stuck on the prize.
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