Today i was sitting on the train. In my normal settled spot on the R train, where a corner nook occurs next to the windows. In the innermost seat i sat, looked around and thought. About two weeks ago, i saw a man fall inbetween the plank and train. Inbetween his foot slipped, ankles cracked loudly, his face crunched up horrificlly. Behind him, i was, grabbing this big metal pully he had, containing all of his belongings. The closest two people infront of him, tried to grab for him, but offering one hand for the most part. Everyone else, lent their eyes, so generous of them. I couldn’t stand there, i would never just stand there quite frankly. We three people collectively got his foot out, and helped him to sit and squirm on his side, on the plank. We got his hat, bag, and pully together, and once he was on the ground, both legs intact; broken or not. Everyone backed off and just stared. Like an ant catching fire by a magnifying glass, they watched to see what would happen. Hesistaing for less than a minute, i then went ahead to figure out how we were supposed to help him, i asked the man in the front most corner what he thought - he replyed with a shrug. Then i looked on the wall for emergency assitances, they said to call on a phone that wasn’t visable. No one offered to call. I just stood there, holding the door. Myself, i did. The man wasn’t getting up and began waving away the door, but still cortorting his face in these terrible expressions. I went on and off the train two more times, looking at people who might imply a direction to take for this man. Surprised with the absolute lack or response, i got off, i told the man i’ll get him help, i walked up to the security table when leaving the station, and told the woman to go and help him. She asked if he really needed her help, emphasising on the really, and i told her to get in there and ask him if he needs an ambulance or anything. Who am i to take care of the situation, she is the professional in the area, i just wanted to make sure that he could be okay.
I left the station after knowing he was okay, an hour late for the plans i had but really, the social reaction to an emergency when there are tons of people, and the common action of doing nothing really bothers me. I just don’t understand how people just stand there. I struggle with my own morals and ethics, because it seems to be that i want to knock down everyone who just stands and watches. Violence isn’t an answer, and i’m always more of a lover anyway, but sometimes, its so terrible how unwilling people are to help others. To reach out their arms and hearts.
We’re all people, i’ve always felt like, my hands arms and eyes aren’t worth any more or less than anyone else’s and yet i’ll help you out, i’ll give strangers that time, but i don’t see that in other people sometimes. it disappoints me. I’m disappointed in people sometimes. Luckily though, its not everyone or everywhere. Beautiful people are easy to find with their shimmer shinning glow of love and affection. I gravitate towards them, hope they’ll share a little warmth with me too.
I just hope we all take a little time to grab ahold of another. Not watch people get lost.
she said she couldn’t get me out of her head. unable to relieve her mind and body she felt exhausted. After only a 40 minute expression, if its like that for her.
Make a book, illuminate the dark with striking lights exposing things eyes haven’t seen before. Open the heart, mouth and mind - placing words and images down, create something honest and real. No one needs to understand, nor read or look at anything you do. But, make damn sure that if they decide to, that they’re sucked in and explicitly tell them what they don’t want to know while captivating the viewer. unsatisfied with only eye and hand contact, grab their sprit and integerity.
you probably can’t handle it.
I’m listening to this song that says you belong to me tonight, all I been looking for is you tonight. No one belongs to me, and only things belong to me. I don’t belong to anyone either or any place; I guess I’m at a complex place because I’ve come to slowly awaken the realization that I am someone with a scattered heart and a story that contains of heartbreak trailing behind me. Shreds and pieces of me follow along in a breadcrumb trail behind me. I have this innate reaction to move ahead and not swallow hardships longer or further than the physical need for it. So when I step aside or away from something and the pain is continuing, then I just block it out and go on ahead. Despite any feelings screaming differently. I’ve walked away from times that hurt more than my own physical being. Heart pounding, head spinning, lungs grasping for air; somehow my feet find steps to move to, slide to and I, detached, move with these motions of force. A solider at heart, unwilling to listen to other people’s words dictating me, telling me where to go or what to do. If you weren’t with me before, and you’re not here with me now, I’m not going to accept your directions. Logical with my own comprehension, I can’t follow anything but my own heads ailing instructions. Yesterday I had the realization of a specific plague that’s followed me since before I can remember myself. In my entire life, I’ve had the same song playing in my head and the only thing consistent is the theme that defines me. Its strange to have a self definition, realize that I represent things.
My heart was left so fully, bleeding all over the world, in all sorts of places and locations. Under a strange rock I’m sure you’ll find a part of me. Back to nature I’ve been taking myself, trying to look for it in this artificial city draped with concrete and faces hardened like the sidewalks I plow through. Throwing paper planes, I’ll watch its trail and believe in it, and go as it does. And no, I don’t think you understand unless you’re someone else like me; comfortable in ambivalence and uncertainty. I fall asleep in the dream that I have no idea what’s coming next; anything is better and safer than where I’ve found myself. I don’t have a terrible life, and I have distinctive moments where I looked around and realized that my very own heart doesn’t mean anything. Not belittled, was I, but empowered to realize that I am but one life, one person whose experiences only affect one person. Vain and self centered I have a hard time comprehending that I might leave a mark on others, I am convinced that when I leave I am forgotten and possibility never existed in that moment of time. But I know by looking at my hands and eyes that I was there and the affect took place. Physical remnants are everywhere, even if I don’t want to look in the mirror for days, if not weeks. In terms of emotional changes and enhancement I can’t fathom because it’s a ball game I won’t buy tickets for, declining the peanuts and hot dogs, I opt to walk away from the big game. I choose to find another small stall to sit at and be still. Hope time will freeze, it never does actually, but in my mind I can find a peace where things are frozen and nothing happens for seconds, minutes, if I allow it, then possibly days too.
Do you have those memories where you can’t remember how you went from here to there, the idea of sleepwalking? Those are times I find time is frozen, even though sand is still dripping through the time glass, if I’m not connected then time and events didn’t occur. I achieved the staggering slowness that my mind and heart need to digest things. I live in a fast city, where any moment you stall to breathe, nineteen hundred people just succeeded over you, one hundred people just got the jobs and met the people from your dreams, 16 people achieved their largest life goals. Do you want to be caught behind? I certainly don’t, so on I push, gritting my teeth, tensing my veins and creating a fist with my palms I move.
But I want a pause, I want an actual reflection – the Niger river, when I saw it and it showed my filthy face, from the 11 hour crammed van ride to Timbuktu, that moment, where the sun hit the water, heaven found me there, and I reached my hand into that water. It blessed me, it did. I had a spiritual connection with the earth and myself at that time. I watched the path the water winds around and my eyes filled with water, reflecting in the river. My heart locked with the vast openness of water, with the consistency of geography and how it exists whether or not we see it with our very own eyes or not.
I watched a movie tonight called Born in Brothels about children in the red light district in India, and how they used photography to document their findings, they wanted people to see to understand their terrible findings. Beautiful pictures they took, my eyes swelled with water. My arms want to reach out to people who need something more than what they have. Disappointed a little with myself I am when I consider what actual things affect me, grab my passion straight out of my hands and throw me down on the ground and the first things my eyes open to are the most immediate things that break me down.
I want to open my eyes and see you, your batting eye lashes, their bright eyes interested in my slippery hair, I want to grab a hold of so many people. I want to embrace them and do what my imagination craves. Giving access to everything if I could, but I am just one person and I swallow my dignity with the realization that I have a small voice and two hands and two eyes that cannot record anything. I wish I was more, and I wish I could do more and be better than who I am today.
Just stay beautiful and create beauty around you, warm those who are cold or shivering, and cry with someone who is hurting. Don’t look away or create a blind eye, tinting reality.
Today, I’m hurting, I’m opening these wounds I’ve wrapped nineteen hundred times, tenfold refusing to see cuts and bruises. But I know that I have hope and beliefs, so I have a much stronger foothold for today, if I can help you find yours, let me know. And for you, I’m sorry for the terrible shadows in me that have become physical monsters to you. I wish I was kinder and thought more about you.
I’m proud of you and where you’ve gotten yourself to, today. You always deserve the best, I’m not always going to be the best, or at my best. But you are, in fact the best.
Today i recovered some old memories and big ideas that i conceive - then use as my mode of movement through daily activities. Often, especially lately i’ve been feeling a little wrong, ed, a little upset with myself and inability to express certain things or explain other things. But today after talking slowly, then quickly with her quiet ear i realized i have a lot in my heart and head. my exposure rate was so high that the picture i saw was whited out when really its so graphic. The images got lost in my interpretation.
with my grey and orange snake print silk dress i walked the streets in my brown boots and sunglasses just shoulders straight and direct eye contact. Chills covered my body when i realized i’m such an emotional person that my inability to get intact with my feelings lead to the vanishing of an entire part of me. I can’t wait to get my strength back and the confidence i know is hiding inside of me. When i’m in my element, ain’t nothing gonna get by me, and i’m just so excited looking towards that light - knowing its not close but i can fucking taste that memory, and i know i’ll get it.
I got a problem with authority.
Whys everything gotta go through people when i need not but nobody to stand beside me
you wanna intimidate me? interrigate me?
Think i’ll bow down to you? comply with all your demands?
I think not, you’ll find out.
You want to write our my name on a piece of paper,
Add me to your computer system,
Documenting steps i make through my average day of returning to this city
the city that indulges in burning me.
Nah, i won’t hand you my wrist, my diginity, my information
I need nothing from you, you need me - dolla bills, services.
Try to put me in my place?
I’ll let you know where my place is, inwhich is no where near you.
The big belt and uniform makes you stronger,
Oh fine, no problem.
But i’m blinging with my gold chain and my confident means of being.
I already know my rights, inwhich is not to be intimidated by anybody
We all people making a living, paying the bills we’re struggling to make.
Telling me where to put my bag, reaching your hand onto my own personal objects;
I have nothing to hide, i’m not doing anything wrong.
I’d say get up off my space, but he’d then restrain me.
I’ve already learned that those in authority have their own objectives in mind
we’re just the playing pieces.
Some of us are horse shaped moving in L’s
Others go diagnonal up and down.
Whats you addiction? grabbing the crown,
Trying to be protected by everyone else in your checkered space?
I’m the piece that doesn’t make it to the game.
People get irriated and try to shove me on the front line,
be one of those little disposable ones.
Nah, i won’t do the best i could,
I got far more tricks up my sleeves that you can’t touch, don’t know
I’m into persuing what i need to be doing, and getting everyone else out of my space
Shoving his face, his hands, his gun in my face
trying to make sure i don’t fight
as if my sunglasses and shrugging sholders are so fierce
people always think i’m gonna fight them
as if they need protection from me
I’m just somebody who isn’t afraid of anybody
Cus what can you do to me that i can’t do myself.
what places can you shove me into that i haven’t sat myself down in?
There ain’t nothing, i’ve done the best i could.
I’m not one to comply with your ridiclious notions.
i won’t accept an attempt to intimidate me
Placing your authority over me
I’ll tell you exactly what makes you human, exactly what makes us the same
and point out what makes us very different. some get an ego boost
Indulge further in the proceeding steps that can go anyway they want it to.
Live it up for this moment, i’ll let you do your thing.
only because i know, once its my turn, i’ll rip you another one
and chew you out.
Enjoy it police baby.
Nonsense is all i mumble about; people i closely let in, i closed-ly share things on a whim. Let you know something is missing when you wouldn’t of notice it before. Its this technique to keep distances from people. Its this foreplay i have before i tell you exactly how things are going to roll by. Sometimes i think its something occuring out of situations, but truth be told - it occurs because i make it so. Habitual these modes are for me that people of course can’t keep up, its my own drawn thing. I’m totally uninterested in trying to bring peopple around me, wrap their arms around me. Embrace a face i used to day dream about. I’m on a different track, that isn’t so terrible or detrimental, but i’m terrified. Shaking in my boots, i try hard to look alive and throw my arms around as if i’m dancing and in the mood. I’m never really into any of these things but - as long as no questions are asked, and interrigation does not persuit - then i’ll pretend until the end of my days. From eyelids open to closed.
I guess i find myself tough becasue i know the way i function is not commonly replicated, relating with others is almost impossible for me now since i’m totally in freefall and trying to be captive in the process.
i’m in it, a preacher - i don’t know what compells me to post these public blogs. its a useless waste of your time. thanks for reading.
i wanna do some border crossing, and transatlantic flying. of courses with the plane landing safely. Come and scoop me in your private helicopter and i’ll go anywhere with you. i’d like to see some mosques and wake up to chanting and wild animals roaming. i miss that. ohh how i miss that.
Sitting down at the table, i looked my dad in the eye, we both hardly knew what to say to eachother except, boy - this is a crazy moment, isn’t it? i ate my last salad for the next proceeding months, unsure of how long, and looked around awkwardly, shurugging, smiling, midly crying, talking about small observances around us. like how nice the lamps were. moments before my big au revior, amsterdamn here i come! followed by cape town, then jo’berg, accra, ouagadougu, timbuktou, dakar, many others but these memories just create a skyline of hope and joy in my sight and thoughts. I REALLY WANNA DO IT AGAIN!
don’t we all i suppose? Scotland this year hopefully! (UKBABY, ireland new years, scotland festivities before twirling over to england to see all my beloved faces)
Though you’re floating in ambition;
we all know something’s missing.
facing me- questions asked, its quite confusing
talking about this, trailing back to ancient history
eyes light up, oh i can tell you a story.
she likes to know deepest darkest secrets
i have something to bite your teeth into.
starting slow, today i hardly divulged into anything
i hate giving examples,
i’ll ether say it or beat around it.
sounds stutter between my teeth and idle hands
still, and shaking.
but your eyes started dampening
what caused that scene?
oh, a shit load of humbling things.
Give me a minute, i’ll latch you onto something.
obsessed with whitney houston. Remmy the old days where she was shining before she—didn’t shine as much as before. Shes awesome, keep rocking. Today i wanted to make T—shirts pressed with all sorts of images but color printer ain’t doing 11x17. i’m particular, and not gonna compromise for financial, or barrier reasons. i’m gonna run with my cause and heart and make things happen. Just hope the worlds able to lemmie doo it.
Stars - What the snowman learned about love.
Sleep walking today after a photo transferring chemical induced coma I passed a man whose eyes saw despair. Admittedly, for over a year I’ve compulsively sought out a denied peace. Bleeding heart, stop! I commanded and acted forthrightly. No feelings passed my veins and eyes rejecting all types of common scenes. How to explain this type of function is difficult; summary word I’ve decided upon is cold. Terrified of what emotions are harbored inside my achy breaky heart, I moved mindless. This mode has been hazing away from me slowly. Exposing my skin to the very cold that retained the dripping feeling from chest cavity down to toes and fingertips. Goosebumps covered my entire body, eyes slowly sharpening. I saw it today, the humanity that exists within our own first world nation. The humility of people surviving this city’s intense fangs, I guess you can’t always be blind to.
A dipping sensation occurred over the entire of my body and with my eyes focusing, I realized we cannot choose our manors of being. Control, only takes you so far, strength comes from the trust within that allows your palms to release the whips and chains used to maintain. I’m slowly watching my forearms relax, or weaken – I’m unsure which. But as this slow contempt releases, although scared of what product I’ll see reflecting me in mirrors – hearts are not meant to be put on ice. They run and bleed whether or not we allow ourselves to feel it. Whether or not I deny and reject the feelings, they are happening and/or have already happened. I wish I stopped to put coins in his foam cup, a dollar even – but unfortunately I’m still not even there yet. Compassion is not an easy feeling to believe in when the surrounding environment screams lucrative living mentalities, but my body felt something today. Unlike every other single day I’ve walked the streets here in the city that is my home.
I am fessing up to this growth and belief of warmth. I think I’ve thought the sun was needed for an internal warming, but even in the deepest snows and haziest blizzards there’s no excuse for hollow movements. Even if my head rejects rationality, my body will teach me. Either or, you can’t fight reality forever and deny everything. I have documented this progression into deep apathy for others and me. Its hard, but the gold in life is never easy to find. I find satisfaction in my slow growth. For those AA’s out there, step one is admitting you have a problem and things are unmanageable – and I’ll tie that in because I realize I’ve become powerless over my repression. Sickly, i would continue to deny forever if I could and run around happy and spinning. But life is not about fortune and happiness, but it ain’t a bad thing.
Today i woke up at nine, realizing my class began at 9:10. oh good.
Nerves tiding, i caught the train just before it left. Parked and waiting for me.
standing first, i drew, sitting after a few stops; i got up to switch trains.
on the track i stood, walking back and forth, calm but anxious.
staring down the empty tunnel i walked away, circling to look down it again.
stubborn for a calm mood, i strolled, plowed to class. conflicting is it not? bumped pass people crossisng the street, but taking a moment to breathe in the green plants and trees lining the street.
i don’t know. i think i’m nuts.
objectively, this mindset i’ve had, is mistaken.
Running away with ideas, like a child with bubbles
i’m not a child as much as i precieve my age to be
No, this isn’t me, all these thoughts and feelings
i’m precieving these things to be normal. So badly
I wanted to be accepted, until i realized. - “What for?”
Obsessed i get. Trying to retain bones
Complex memories. Running 20 miles
In the pouring rain. White shirt soaked
Entirely through. Waiving at those hiding
In shelter. “Go” i think before seconds later
I take off in sprints and leaps. Going fast
Ten minutes can pass before you know it
So can years. Speed through time? I can
Impulsively moving, faster than others.
Believe in me, you.
Is all i need
confirmation?
Validate my life
before hell below
grabs at my feet, pulling?
me faster than i ever knew
i could go. I need knowledge
of facts and figures on a plate
So truths, i can debate. Absolutely
finished with lie schemes. i’m such
A liar, a hater of everything
disproving of my
theories.
I’m just going to be me.
Do things the way I know how to best.
Lately I’ve been trying to change and improve-
force these untrue feelings upon me
I’ve been though harder, darker times
Things are good and I need to open these bright eyes
done pretending to be anyone who isn’t me
be more compassionate I say, cry at these times I pray
But nah, honestly that’s not me, my hearts already been broke
I’ve seen people in far harder shapes where I realized
my heartache is nothing compared to that type of suffering
I don’t feel because I’m not hurting
I’m supposed to, from poetry I read, songs I hear
but - my hurt isn’t anything compared to the hurt I felt the loss I’ve seen.
This is me, hard, cold and direct.
Its not sad, its not pathetic, Its strong and I can’t pretend I want to be someone else
or anywhere else.
I want this, right here.
the me who stands in front of all those people and genuinely stands
there telling the horrible things my mind has encountered.
smiling still, because I know life can be beautiful in its own twisted way.
I’m not a liar when I speak slowly.
only when I go on blabbering and talking fast ly
those times, i got nothing to say but try to fill in spaces.
lets twirl.
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